Wednesday, April 30, 2008

The baby that wasn't meant to be mine....

It feels like time has just flown by.

This week would have been my due date week had I not had a miscarriage last August.

It happened the day after one of my best friends wedding, I was a bridesmaid. I am thankful that it did not happen on the wedding day itself, but saddened that it happened regardless.
Although this was not a planned pregnancy, it still hurt. Hurt so much that I didn't understand why I was so deeply upset.
My family and friends were all very supportive and comforting. Some people said it was a sign to show me I could still have more kids (with all of my issues, it was doubted), some people said it was God's way of telling me that there was something wrong with the baby and better to take him/her now instead of later, some simply said, "It's ok, it will happen with the time is right"
So how do I know when that time is right? Why wasn't THAT time right?

I truly was devastated to have suffered this miscarriage, and now sitting and thinking that i could have had a baby in my arms right now, consumes me with sadness and a strange feeling of inadequacy. I know I cannot continue to wallow and I know that I cannot go back in time and change things.....I guess I am struggling dealing with the feelings I have for the baby that wasn't meant to be mine.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Right now I am.......

Caught up - on organizing my 2007 pictures to be printed.
Full - from eating breakfast with Jonah. Back on WW again so I went with the high fibre Muslix.
Happy - that it might rain today so Jonah and I can go thru his toys and get rid of the ones he doesnt need!
Thinking - that I really need to get on this weight loss before I get any more miserable about it.
Pleased - to see that my tulip bulbs are bound and determined to show their face for the 4th year!
Loving - my husband for the sweet words and moment we had yesterday.
Relieved - that I don't have to drive 1.5 hours to work anymore!
Proud - that Jonah is on a mission to save the earth!
Watching - Scooby Doo with Jonah
Laughing - at the funny emails I have received
Beating myself up for - letting my weight get to where it is.
Excited - for the scrapbook retreat in May!!

So what are you doing right now?

Monday, April 21, 2008

I couldn't ask for more

Waking with smiles and kisses
Small talk with a 5 year old
Listening to music that speaks to you
Hugs from strangers that doesn't feel strange
Meeting new friends
Feeling connected
Holding a 5 week old newborn baby girl
Warm spring air
Beautiful blazing sun
Water fights
Slip and Slides
Mud puddles
Giggles and laughs
Relaxing with friends
Telling stories of new and old
Wishing the day doesn't have to end
What more could I ask for?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Footprints of the Past

It still amazes me that a certain event in a persons life can leave footprints on their heart forever. My footprints are from my childhood and they came from Niagara Falls. To this day when we go to Niagara, I get butterflies in my stomach, memories come flooding back and I can't help but smile. Sean has always told me he wishes he knew what that feeling was like. It is a feeling like none other. And I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world!
Every summer until the age of 16, we camped in Niagara Falls at a place called Orchard Grove. We stayed for the whole summer, not just a weekend here and there. Last day of school Mom and Dad would pick my sister and I up with the car packed and ready to go - and we didn't return to Toronto until Labour Day! These summers formed my childhood. It may seem silly since it was 2 months of every year, but when I think about my childhood, it is Orchard Grove that comes to mind and puts a smile on my face.
I have been thinking about Orchard Grove a lot lately. Now that I have my own son, I see how vital Orchard Grove was in my life, and I can only hope for the same for him. I have been waking in the morning to the sounds of birds - this seems fairly normal, right? Except that I SWEAR it is the same group of birds that we would hear in our trailer. I know, crazy, but I can't help that feeling. The smell of the crisp morning air, the smell of an early morning camp fire, the squirrels rustling in the trees, hearing and smelling these the last few days has made me stop in my tracks. I close my eyes and feel like I am standing at our campsite - the same site we had for as long as I remember, the Buttons on the right and the Bushes on the left and the Irvins across the roadway. It is this place that I had no care in the world, many people were interested in my well being, had my first job, had my first real kiss, learned to drive a car, there was the red park, survivor in the woods, "3rd washroom", the arcade, the tree by the tilt a whirl, the ATV, the mini Honda. And the people! So many people that I met thru the campground, some permanent residents, some just for a week - all of them....footprints. I am snapped out of this memory every morning with Jonah impatiently waiting to get into the car asking "What are you doing, Mommy? Let's go!"

The owner of the campground, Bill Foreman, passed away in July of 2006. It hit me quite hard. I felt like a piece of my childhood was gone. His picture is at my desk at home, I see him smile everyday and I can't help but smile back, silently thanking him for the most amazing childhood I could ever ask for. And I know that because of him, because of the people, because of the memories, because of the smells - that these footprints of the past will remain in my heart forever.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Here's to a Better Week!

Last week was such a yucky week that I am determined to have a better one this week! I had gotten the idea from another blogger to write down 10 things that make me happy and that I am thankful for. Give it a try, it might lift your spirits as well!

1. That I have a very healthy and happy son when i was told kids were not possible.
2. That I have a husband that loves me even more than he did when we first fell in love.
3. That I have a happy home full of love and respect.
4. Amazing and supportive friends and family.
5. For the new and wonderful friends at BVC.
6. That Sean raised his hand! That was huge for me.
7. That my son Jonah wants to "save the earth."
8. Being home in the mornings again to have breakfast with Jonah.
9. My scrapbooking!! LOL
10. And let's not forget my boyfriend, Jon Bon Jovi! ;)

Monday, April 7, 2008

Sucky Sunday

Yesterday was such a crappy day that I could not wait for it to be over, which is really disappointing since I was very excited about Sunday.
The day started with me waking up and feeling like I had ridden a horse for 99 hours! OMG! We went roller skating (quad style) for my sisters birthday and my body found muscles it didn't know it had! YEEEOOOWWZZZER!!!! But it was a blast so it was worth it. This was nothing.....
Getting ready to go to church with Jonah, excited for the controversial sermon that was to be, when the phone rings 5 minutes before I am ready to leave. It was Sean, he had an accident at work. A metal trough fell on his neck. He wanted me to come and get him (because YES we still dont have a vehicle for Sean and he is too stubborn to call 911) But that was fine, because I would want to be there for him. I was very upset and worried about Sean. So church was not to be (intervention I believe). Jonah and I picked up Sean, he was soo tired and just wanted to rest. How strange....a man not wanting to go to the doctor....that is so not common! ;). His neck had a huge cut and welt on it. If it was just a little higher, 911 would have had to be called. His elbow was also hurt from the impact. So Sean rested for the day.
After coming home from my sisters (pie for her birthday, which I am not gonna lie, was crappy pie! Jonah picked it for Tee Tee - sorry Dawn!), anyway, we were having tea getting ready to bathe Jonah when a call from my mom comes in.....James is being taken to the hospital via ambulance. It was the hospital right near my house so off I ran after a mini emotional breakdown in my living room. I was there before the ambulance and watched as it came down Harwood. I could have thrown up just seeing that. Out of the back on a stretcher comes James. My poor nephew, who has diabetes, was in pain from his muscles seizing. He was still light hearted as he always is and we joked around and even took pictures! Turns out his body was dehydrated and his insulin level was too low from all the exercise hes had and it caused his muscles to seize. We had to wait a few hours before they could tell us this. We left the hospital, not feeling the 100% confidence we should have, but what do you expect from free healthcare.
I got home to Sean about 11:30pm - happy that there was only 30 minutes left in this sucky sunday.
Today, Monday, was a new day. Sean was feeling great and James was also feeling much better - thats all that mattered today.
A much better day than yesterday!
Peace, Love and Health to all.

Friday, April 4, 2008

March of Plenty!!

Brooklin Village Church held a food drive called the March of Plenty for the local food banks. We thought this would be a great opportunity to teach Jonah the value of giving and appreciating the food that we have on our table. Jonah was quite proud to participate and fill up 2 large buckets of food. We told him what items were of highest importance (canned meat, rice, etc) and Jonah and I went to the grocery store and he picked out the items himself.The event raised 3 tonnes of food!! What a great feeling to help those in need!

Jonah definately learned an amazing lesson. He has been asking when can we do this again! Which in a time where everything is surrounded by self-ishness, it is good to know that my boy thinks of others in need.

Have I mentioned how great Sunday was??


"I'm So Excited"

I woke up Sunday morning with these words tumbling out of my mouth. And I didn't just say it once....I said it over and over again thru the morning. It was a feeling that everyone should have each and every morning they wake up. My cherished friend Colleen said this should be our motto! The feelings I had that morning were beaming out of me. I was excited to be with my husband who has been working some odd times and I haven't had a chance to really see him. I was excited for my boy, who just seems to be growing up so quickly right before my eyes, excited to see our cherished friends for a lunch date after church. That was was so excited to go to church today. And those of you who know me from before would be surprised to know that. But indeed I was. The feeling I had when I woke up set the tone for the day. Even Sean was asking, why are you so excited to go to church? The reason felt simple but was actually quite complex and at the time I wasn't aware of the power behind the simplicity. It starts with friendship, guidance, love, and honesty, to which gives you strength and courage, then leads you to understanding, acceptance and quite possibly, Forgiveness.
This past Sunday my family felt the outpouring of all of these things from not only our friends, but people who did not know us. It was a feeling that I will never forget and hope that when another lost person needs to feel that power from other people, that we can give that back. The world has so many negative energies pulling us down that we are struggling to stay above it all.
This negative energy is something my husband has been dealing with for some time. He has anger from past events, puts his hands out to others only to be bitten and has never really understood true relationships since past relationships were painful. Because of this, trust and being able to let go has been a struggle, for us both really. But seeing my husband push his pride aside, feel other peoples energy and just let go is something I will not soon forget. Maybe I was have a premonition that his would happen and it built up the excitement as wel as the other things I mentioned. At the end of the day, I was smiling like a fool and was still excited! LOL.
Today we also helped raise 3 tonnes of food for a local food bank - why wouldn't I get excited about that!!
Sunday was a day I just didn't want to end. I hope we, as well as others, have more days like these.