Monday, January 11, 2010

Saying Goodbye.... never an easy thing.

I was never a fan of that song. Always turned it off when it came on the radio. Oddly enough, the last couple of days I have been saying that line in my head. Just that one line. Why? Because that it how I am feeling about my upcoming surgery.

My male readers - this may be your time to check out ;)

When I was a young gal, I was told I would not have a baby. I had a lot of "issues" in that area and the doctors prepared me to be childless. Even put it in my head that even if I DID get pregnant, the chance of me having a healthy baby were slim, that I probably wouldn't carry to full term and could possibly hurt myself in the process. I was lucky enough to have a doctor who believed it would happen. And it did. On Tuesday February 11, 2003, I gave birth to the most precious baby boy. My Jonah.

Now, it wasn't a perfect pregnancy and the problems that I had before came back - even worse. I suffered a miscarriage and also had a mass in my uterus. I had surgery to repair and I was cancer-free. Apparently my uterus decided to be a bitch and have an attitude. Here I am again, with 2 more masses and a lesion. Pain that actually makes me pass out. I went to the doctors, specialists and they only had one resolution.

This Wednesday, I am having a hysterectomy.

I would say most, if not all, of my friends responded the exact same way. With a "I am so relieved for you" or "Oh that is so great!" and even a "congratulations!". Meanwhile, I was torn apart.

Now don't get me wrong, I am a logical person. I KNOW that this is the right step for my health, for my WELLNESS. But my emotions tend to overrule logic. Me, emotional? Imagine that!!

The part that I am having a hard time with is saying goodbye to a vital piece of me. I was told for a long time that I would not have a baby. I did and now they want to take out that piece. They are taking out my Jonah home. My Jonah Home. His first home. I am in tears just writing this, this is how much it bothers me. The fact that they are just going to chuck it in the trash when it carried so much meaning to me. I can't bear it.

I received a wonderful email from my friend Sheri, who I have known since we were little girls. She told me that I am not losing Jonah's first home. His first home was my in my heart and soul. I had a good cry. Of course she is right. And I know that. I just have a hard time letting go.

I have awesome family and friends who are supportive and doing what they can to assure me that it will all be ok. Love and support, not just empty words. It is that which will help me say goodbye.

Because saying goodbye is never an easy thing.


Barb said...

Oh Char, I have tears in my eyes. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday and hoping and praying for a routine surgery and an easy recovery for you.

xo Barb

Cyn M said...

You made me cry today! Congratulations on the hysterectomy! Your friend is right about Jonah's first home being in your heart and soul.
Good luck tomorrow with the surgery my friend! I will pray for a speedy recovery for you.

Jayne said...

Oh my sweet friend. I ache for you! Icompletey understand your feeling that way and you have every right. If it being "chucked in the trash" bothers you - maybe you could ask them to wrapped it up in something for you and you could bring it home and bury it in yoru bck yard? Is that crazy? Just trying to think of something that might ease the way somehow. Love you and I will be thinking of you all day tomorrow - praying everything goes well!

Becky said...

Aww, Char! I completely understand your feelings. I almost had to have a hysterectomy after a miscarriage between my boys. I know that feeling all too well.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. (big hugs)

shirley said...

Oh Char - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, and it's normal to have these thoughts - will be praying for a speedy recovery.

Stacy said...

Char, I am so sorry for you loss of your "Jonah home," I cannot imagine the emotions that you must be feeling. Just continue to raise your precious boy just the way you have been and concentrate on the true gift that he is. I am happy to hear that you are home, and I will continue to pray for your recovery!